Friday, 8 June 2012

CINEMA, LONG FILMS AND ARSE ACHE, Do the fanny dance


I think I might have to apologize for the words I use in this blog, when I start spouting out lots of words to describe things. But when you get a certain age beyond 20 something, people are quick to put you into the ground. As if I was ready to be sent to the old folks home.
I got no plans to fall into the grave just yet, and happily its not like Logan's Run where if you turn 30 and  your hand crystal turns the color red. You will be hunted and shot, that's if you try to avoid the suicide carousel. Funny at the time when I was young I thought that was a fair way to treat the older generation.

Now times have changed and everyone born, the north side of the 70's would probably wish they have more time, hair or looks. I can't really see the point in nostalgia, as at the time I was waiting for something better to come along. Now that I finished my home work and university stuff, I just plan to observe and mock everything as I see it. Take for instance the length of time for films, its hard to go for a long time with out peeing.

But nowadays its getting ridiculous and the way you are packed into cinemas, (the cheap ones) its like a battery hen scenario. I had to tuck my elbows and breath in, I swore I was gonna lay an egg. My god it was bad, and if you include the fact that air circulation was at a minimum in a full room you begin to wonder if it was worth it.

I have a theory when you stop the air from circulating and things get hot in a capacity room. Your mind tends to lust for something cool ( like an ICREAM cone). And if they put the air-conditioner at minimum, so it doesn't cool the room but instead would dry out the moister of the air. Then your mind turns to water or cola.

But at this point you are on the junk foods, or what ever they provide at the cineplex is savory foods. Which  are too salty and the sweet things, which are too sugary.  My other blog about sugar, goes on to say that corn syrup is abundant in junk food. The corn syrup is not replacing the body's natural balance of proteins and electrolytes.
But instead a cola drink with caffeine or energy drink can be actually harmful.


The whole cinema experience seems now to improve, with the arm chair logic of placing your arse in a bigger chair (but the chair is not really that big). The modern seat now, does allow you some comfort. It gives the illusion of freedom for leg or elbow room and the ability to slouch.  The seats seem padded enough and with wiggle room you might be able to cope with long hours if this was a office.

But this isn't an office, because blood circulation would be much better when you are allowed to get up and stretch your legs. Instead long term sitting is unhealthy, looking at studies. People who sat for long periods without breaks suffer large waist lines, with an increase of blood fats (triglycerides) while people who took lots of breaks would have the opposite effect. Sitting for more the 6 hrs a day increases your chances of death to 40 percent with in 15 years. People with sitting jobs have twice the rate of cardiovascular disease.
I could go on about the risks of sitting for long periods.

But the truth of the matter is long term sitting without moving in a cinema, or TV can hurt your arse!!!. If sitting in a firm chair without shifting your weight around, would put direct pressure to the rectum. Damaging the veins around the rectum, would then cause Hemorrhoids. Its not my intention to look like Roy Rogers riding for a long time in the saddle. But whenever I am at a cinema I have to look at the movie length and have to consider the movie time to Arse Endurance factor or the Bum Numb Factor.

I have a yard stick of the Da vinci code film which I gladly watch at 149 minuets (that's without the extended version) would be my Arse threshold. Beyond 150 min mark, I have to seriously think about the bum numb factor. If ever anyone hit their threshold, you have to consider relief and ways of getting back some circulation. There are two ways


  1. Stand up which means you have to walk off and pretend or really,  actually go and get something to eat or drink (toilet break)The disadvantage is you will miss a part of the movie (or may miss the most important plot line)
  2. Do the Fanny (American name for Bum) dance, The "Fanny Dance" is when you shift your bum cheeks left and right, which relieves any numbing effect of one area temporarily. But you have to alternate the numb cheek with the not so numb cheek quite frequently hence the "Fanny Dance" (not in time with the music but more to do with enduring you entire body weight with one cheek).
The average movie length has risen from 120mins to 130mins, with rising movie lengths nearing the Da vinci threshold. I would propose we might have to split the movie up like a intermission at a theatrical play.
Or we change the way we sit at a cinema. I personally would like to find a a zero G cinema room where gravity is removed. Or even going old school and have a drive in theatre, so you can sit on your own seat with extra padding a rubber ring. Hemorrhoid cushion


Its hard to say what future might be for cinema goers , with 3D vision or bone shaking sonic speaker systems.  I really can't be bothered with all that, because it hikes up the prices. I just thought it would be better if there was a way to watch a film at length without the risk of hemorrhoids...

1 comment: